Anne didn't know if she really had a death wish.
It could be the overbearing pressure of the imminent internals. It could be the backfire of her brain tailing a more than two months' suppression of stress and tension. It could even be her idle bones playing tricks on her willpower - and triumphing, it seemed.
It came to her slowly and gently, like a mist. It wrapped itself around her gracefully enough, so that she doesn't notice how far up she was enveloped. Then, it happened - just as slowly as it had begun. She felt like a person under a spell. Her conscience was there, her limbs were working - and oh, how every nerve and muscle within her screamed at her: Wake up! Wake up! - but none of them were registered in her head. As she devoured movies after movies, procrastinating every prescious second she couldn't afford to fritter away in this ridiculous manner, all she ever wanted to do was to slap herself and say : Get your lazy butt up! However, her mind kept on whispering : Everything will be fine.
In a way, it reminded her of the scene from Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, where Percy, Annabeth and Grover were lured into Lotus Casino - it's large glittering billboard reads : You'll never want to leave.
So, whatever the hell was wrong with her, Anne knew it : She should put a stop to it. All these reckless behaviours had gone long enough. Tomorrow would be - as she put it - the day of purging. She needs to get all those extra carbs out of her system and all those devilish whispers out of her head. Her willpower is strong. She will do it. Nothing can thwart her. She's Anne, after all.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
A Bad Day
This was my worst day since coming to India, except for the first night I landed here, under the sinking feeling of homesickness and excessive self-doubtfullness of my true purpose of being here, more than two months ago.
The week hadn't been going on too well for me, what with the looming shadow of first internals, and the fact that I still had an eternity of studying yet to be completed, and the lecturers kept on attacking me with all those questions I had to struggle even to recall the answers, and shaking their heads and giving me that you-didn't-study-again-didn't-you-don't-you-have-any-idea-how-many-of-your-seniors-flunked-last-year-looks.
Today was simply the last straw. I was completely broken down during physiology tutorial, where everyone seemed to be able to answer all the questions while I sat there, mute as an idiot. As expected, after giving me THAT look, the lecturer even asked me how much would I expect him to grade me because - in his exact words - I haven't taken part actively in the discussion. How could I - I almost wailed at him - when all I had got were about four to five hours per day, and an eternity of studies expected to be done, every details well memorised, and never to be forgotten, like, forever? Throw in assignments, diagrams and deadlines, it was a miracle I wasn't dead by now, much less Talk or Think.
I was so exasperated that it was a wonder that I still had the grace to smile at him, like it was a joke, which I highly doubted. Because in his eyes laid the unspoken warning : if this insolence of mine goes on till the externals, my entire future would be flushed down the toilet.
As if the day wasn't bad enough, I found out that he likes a girl, or allegedly so, as claimed by my friend's friend, whom was his ex-collegemate last year. Apparently, the guy whom she and her friend were so enthutiastically trying to pair up with another friends of theirs - was actually him. Will wonders never cease?
I hate to say this, but the first thought that flashed through my mind was : will that be me?
No, if I am the girl, why wouldn't he tell me that before we parted? But if I'm not the girl, why didn't he just go ahead with the match-up, get himself a girlfriend, or find himself a gf, and let me know once and for all, that I shouldn't harbour any hopes?
I guess it was rather unfair and judgemental of me to think that, though. I acted just as indifferent as he was all along. In fact, I wasn't entirely sure of my feelings towards him. Are there true feelings on my side, or purely manipulation?
Oh well, I guess I just want someone who really likes me enough to verbalize and actionize that liking, not keeping it silence and waiting for me to make the first move. For heaven's sake, that was where the phrase knights in silver armour came from. Since Man claimed to be stronger than women, then why couldn't they show some guts in this courting affair? If they object so much to the idea of equality between genders, prove it. Seriously, do they expect the ladies to propose to them? That would be so unladylike, not to mention entirely losing the touch of romance.
So, with the upsetting idea of both my future career and love life whirring out of my control, I could only say that life S-U-C-K-S.
The week hadn't been going on too well for me, what with the looming shadow of first internals, and the fact that I still had an eternity of studying yet to be completed, and the lecturers kept on attacking me with all those questions I had to struggle even to recall the answers, and shaking their heads and giving me that you-didn't-study-again-didn't-you-don't-you-have-any-idea-how-many-of-your-seniors-flunked-last-year-looks.
Today was simply the last straw. I was completely broken down during physiology tutorial, where everyone seemed to be able to answer all the questions while I sat there, mute as an idiot. As expected, after giving me THAT look, the lecturer even asked me how much would I expect him to grade me because - in his exact words - I haven't taken part actively in the discussion. How could I - I almost wailed at him - when all I had got were about four to five hours per day, and an eternity of studies expected to be done, every details well memorised, and never to be forgotten, like, forever? Throw in assignments, diagrams and deadlines, it was a miracle I wasn't dead by now, much less Talk or Think.
I was so exasperated that it was a wonder that I still had the grace to smile at him, like it was a joke, which I highly doubted. Because in his eyes laid the unspoken warning : if this insolence of mine goes on till the externals, my entire future would be flushed down the toilet.
As if the day wasn't bad enough, I found out that he likes a girl, or allegedly so, as claimed by my friend's friend, whom was his ex-collegemate last year. Apparently, the guy whom she and her friend were so enthutiastically trying to pair up with another friends of theirs - was actually him. Will wonders never cease?
I hate to say this, but the first thought that flashed through my mind was : will that be me?
No, if I am the girl, why wouldn't he tell me that before we parted? But if I'm not the girl, why didn't he just go ahead with the match-up, get himself a girlfriend, or find himself a gf, and let me know once and for all, that I shouldn't harbour any hopes?
I guess it was rather unfair and judgemental of me to think that, though. I acted just as indifferent as he was all along. In fact, I wasn't entirely sure of my feelings towards him. Are there true feelings on my side, or purely manipulation?
Oh well, I guess I just want someone who really likes me enough to verbalize and actionize that liking, not keeping it silence and waiting for me to make the first move. For heaven's sake, that was where the phrase knights in silver armour came from. Since Man claimed to be stronger than women, then why couldn't they show some guts in this courting affair? If they object so much to the idea of equality between genders, prove it. Seriously, do they expect the ladies to propose to them? That would be so unladylike, not to mention entirely losing the touch of romance.
So, with the upsetting idea of both my future career and love life whirring out of my control, I could only say that life S-U-C-K-S.
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